We have a ton of daylilies in the backyard. They all blossom effortlessly, year after year. All but one that is. I planted it 8 years ago, and it rarely ever EVER blooms. It is the biggest mound of lilies in the whole yard, but rarely actually flowers. I got it on sale at Lowe’s one year and nursed it back to life- I honestly didn’t even know the type until just moments ago when I googled it for this article. Apparently it’s called the “Fooled Me Daylily”. It’s an “award winning premium lily with brilliant golden yellow petals and a stunning red eye”. And when it blooms, I sob with such deep emotion that it feels like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest. A flower that was discarded into the half dead clearance pile has turned into a symbol of hope for me and a reminder of my painful path to motherhood.
The summer of 2014 was the lowest point of my whole life. I was a shell of who I used to be and was in the process of trying to wrap my head around what never being a mother looked like. Call after call, week after week more bad news poured in. Every time I felt like I was pulling myself up out of what could NOT be my life, a giant wave knocked me back down right on my face. “Only one embryo made it, but all it takes is one!”…….I wait 2 weeks….. “Sorry, that embryo was genetically abnormal”. Over and over. More hormone shots, more surgery, more money, more lying about why I was missing work. Imagine having surgery and having to lie to everyone at the office saying you were just out with a cold. It’s terribly lonely, especially more than once.
July 18, 2014 I got the worst of all the calls- the embryologist told me about my most recent batch of embryos failing and informed me that they never saw a positive outcome if I continued. I’d had it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I missed who I was and I needed to get a sense of myself back. I started to capture a photo of what made me happy each day. It was a fantastic reminder to focus on all the beauty around me. I remember vividly sitting on the back patio crying over a glass of wine looking around the yard. What was grateful for? My life was falling apart. My gaze landed on the lily. What in the world was this gorgeous flower I had never seen before? That terrible day this stunning flower bloomed for the first time. My first #100happydays picture? It was of that lily. Little did I know at the time the daylily is a symbol of motherhood. The flower has also been used traditionally to help someone forget loss or pain. Symbolically it was exactly what I needed and I had no idea. It fooled me. It wasn’t just a pretty thing to distract me that day. It was a lifelong symbol of my journey to motherhood.
Little did I know at the time the daylily is a symbol of motherhood. The flower has also been used traditionally to help someone forget loss or pain. Symbolically it was exactly what I needed and I had no idea.
The first summer after my sweet miracle baby was born the elusive lily bloomed again. I’ve never been one for signs, but this beautiful plant blooming after being dormant for a full season was so meaningful. It reminded me of where I had been two years prior. Lost. Broken. And how so much had changed since then. My life’s purpose was in my arms and I was feeling joy I never knew I could experience. We played in the grass next to that lily that had last bloomed when I was in a season of despair.
Yesterday I noticed that the lily had decided to bloom again. Two years later, during a time where my heart aches for a few ladies that I’d been mentoring through their infertility journeys. The loss of a much wanted pregnancy, and news of some health issues with a not yet born babe. Life continues to not be fair to these beautiful, strong women, and I pray that when this lily blooms again it will be during a time where they are feeling the most immense joy of all time and holding their sweet miracles. Feeling a love that they never even knew that was possible. In that moment, they will know that it was all worth it. We all need a reminder that when we are in our darkest times there is light and beauty all around us.